


eclipse the pain (let the edge fade away)

by blue_roses



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, between episodes 7 and 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 22:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8640031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_roses/pseuds/blue_roses
Summary: Victor treats having sex with women like irony when he's feeling Yuuri’s pulse. When Yuuri says he's never been with a woman despite his bisexuality, Victor plays it off when he says has never felt anything towards them. Yuuri doesn't think he'll ever find it ironic; it's all just very, very sad.
((Yuuri looks at tabloids and reflects on sexuality.))





	

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact i listened to desperado so many times while writing this i think i can sing it by heart now? 
> 
> but also!! i wanted to write smth covering homophobia, external and internal along w some sexuality struggles while keeping it overall supportive and i hope that came thru? also the titles hella corny dont mind me.

  Yuuri wakes up around five thirty the morning after everything. “Everything” referring to the public kiss the day before. They hadn’t talked much, aside from sharing more kisses--Yuuri thought that was all the confirmation they needed in that moment. That the public confirmed it as much as they did. Yuuri forgot how the public confirmed other things, too. 

   Yuuri’s aware of the fact that Victor being gay was an open secret in the figure skating world. He’s too big to ignore, but Victor was meticulous enough with his personal life that people would “forget”, or just not notice at all. Just because it’s “open” doesn’t mean it’s accepted, and Victor never says a word about it himself.

  So maybe it’s with all this in mind that Yuuri brings himself to look up the press feedback. The tabloids. Because he can’t sleep, and thinks he can take it. He doesn’t dwell on it, he’ll remember it in time. Maybe he can use it to warn Victor, if Victor needs warning. Yuuri skims over something about him being gay, and Yuuri whispers something under his breath. 

  “I’m bisexual,” Yuuri says. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud, Yuuri wishes something clicked just then. All he feels is a numbness, a fear, and a need to hold the man next to him. To protect him, even though Victor has done just fine on his own. 

  Yuuri doesn’t sleep. Instead he rolls himself off the bed. He’s too tired to cry, and it wouldn’t serve much of a purpose. Yuuri settles for the the bathroom. He’s always found a comfort in those, and Yuuri feels too sick to his stomach to even try and go outside. 

  In Hasetsu, the castle expanded into a stronghold for Yuuri. He’d had a crush on Yuko for who knows how long, it was a quiet love for as long as he’d known. She’d shown him a world he’d never thought of, gave him a gift that was the rest of his life. His budding feelings weren’t a real surprise to him, and neither was his eventual rejection.

  Not directly, of course. Yuko had told him she had feelings for Nishigori at the castle, and he had said  _ okay  _ and he had said  _ he likes you too  _ and felt a withering at the pit of his stomach. Yuuri let it go, in a sense, he’d grown past it. By the time his feelings were crushed, he’d already felt an idol-like attraction towards a figure skater he’d only dream of being on ice with. Even with this, Yuuri still felt. Shed half a tear during the wedding for something lost and something gained, and Yuuri got over it. 

  Then his mother finds out, she says,  _ I’m the same way _ . They don’t clarify, she never stepped outside her bounds and is happy with that. It doesn’t stop her from telling him to expand his world. He kisses a boy and a girl in high school when they’re both drunk and he’s pretending to be drunk, before they move into a separate room and leave Yuuri starstruck.

  And it’s true Yuuri has never had a lover, but that doesn’t mean he’s a virgin. He’s not a hookup person, and anyone who would have changed his mind wasn’t in his space. He never dated, no, but Detroit was different. Yuuri never went to bars, he never accepted feelings, never wanted anyone emotionally close to him. 

  Yuuri still isn’t able to explain  _ how  _ he lost his virginity to his best friend in Detroit, but he doesn’t regret it. He’s not the type to be upset that he didn’t have his first time with Victor, and Phichit was beyond kind. And awkward, and silly, and Yuuri will always look back on those memories with fondness. When Yuuri graduated, he knew they wouldn’t take anything sexual on a distance. Phichit was busy, Yuuri had a whole life to reconsider, they took time off. 

  The time became permanent after Victor came and shook his entire world. Then broke it into pieces, took Yuuri’s time and turned into  _ more _ . That’s all Yuuri could comprehend, then he learned. First about himself, because everything starts from the inside. He doesn’t mention bisexuality, or his mother,  but everything takes time. Yuuri thinks everything takes time when it comes to him, and he’s been told that’s his gift. So he decided to use it, and let himself come into the steps of intimacy. 

  Yuuri rose, slowly, then all at once. Almost like falling in love, he thought at first. Then he’d see  Victor’s smile, or Victor would do something amazing and intimate and unpredictable and Yuuri started relishing in the moments. Okay, it was  _ definitely  _ like falling in love.  

  Yuuri loved Victor like an indescribable cliche, like similes, like smiling at three in the morning at the thought of something incredible. Yuuri loved for a while, and then Yuuri fell in love when he saw the world see what he could give. He was genuine in that. He didn’t think he’d ever stop being genuine in that, and he didn’t notice how his heart rooted itself in Victor’s being, his presence until the pride. Not until the pride and the crying underneath the cheers for friends Yuuri almost wished were strangers. 

  Victor left the pedestal for good, Yuuri cried it all out, and he didn’t think things were going to be okay until they were. Until he felt a need to hold and be held on the ice that was his sanctuary, Yuuri still doesn’t know when that started but it did and it’s still going now. Now, after a public kiss he refuses to regret, at around six now. Yuuri doesn’t know what else to think about, but he still feels restless. 

 Yuuri washes his face four times, paces the bathroom as quietly as he can, then washes his face again for good measure. He can’t stop moving, he tries to go to the bathroom when but he still can’t. To his credit, Yuuri doesn’t cry. He doesn’t let everything crash on him, and finally decides to go back to bed. He’s got a day off, he thinks. Yuuri can just say he was exhausted. 

 Victor is awake. Yuuri can tell when he sees one of the lamps Victor insisted on bringing with them on. Yuuri took a few steps towards their now shared bed, he’d feel more embarrassed about only having underwear on another time, when he could shake off everything that was weighing him down. 

  “I know that look,” Victor says, patting the bed, “c’mere Yuuri.” Yuuri doesn’t cry, no, but it doesn’t stop him from crawling back into bed and letting himself breathe. 

   “Are you angry with me?” Victor asks, the  _ for that _ , goes unsaid. 

   “No,” Yuuri says, “most people were happy. But it’s just, we’re in a little bubble right now, aren’t we?”

   “Are we?” Victor’s prompting, Yuuri takes it. He thinks he wants to talk about this, and he wants to hear what Victor has to say too. 

   “Yeah,” Yuuri says, “like the castle. Even the audience is in it, but. I don’t know what’s best. I saw a tabloid saying I’m gay well the actual word they used was different and I almost wanted to say,  _ I’m bisexual  _ and I did in the room but...it was the first time I’d ever said it out loud. Weird how all that works, I guess.”

   “It is weird,” Victor says, “but you know a bubble doesn’t sound that bad to me sometimes.” 

   “What do you mean?” Yuuri asks. Victor takes a look at his left hand before brushing it over Yuuri’s wrist. 

    “Well, it’s more a matter of I know things would be different if I was in one for more time,” Victor sighs, thumb rolling over Yuuri’s wrists. He looks like he could sink into the bed and never come back, Yuuri makes sure to come closer. 

   “And I wish I would have had a bit less time,” Yuuri says, “everything I’ve had has been kept in my world. Even...sexual things, and we both know about romance. This just feels like a weight I should have seen sooner.” 

    “I’m a bit jealous, you know,” Victor says, “realizing I was gay was a bit like a bullet. It made sense, even when I was convinced it didn’t and decided to sleep with women as a result.”

    Victor treats having sex with women like irony when he's feeling Yuuri’s pulse. When Yuuri says he's never been with a woman despite his bisexuality, while Victor has never felt anything towards them. Yuuri doesn't think he'll ever find it ironic; it's all just very, very sad.

  “Hey,” Victor places a finger under Yuuri’s chin. Yuuri looks up, and he can almost see how sad he must look through Victor’s eyes. 

  “I’ll be fine,” Yuuri says, “you’re supposed to have more faith in me.” 

  “That doesn’t mean I can’t worry,” Victor goes into a bit of a pout, and Yuuri starts with a snort. It’s ridiculous timing, but it builds up, and Yuuri is laughing, wrapping his arms around Victor’s waist and burying his face into Victor’s chest. He doesn’t have enough shame. No, Yuuri lets himself indulge, Even when Victor tries to push him away with some indignant noise, Yuuri manages to bite down on his shoulder hard enough for a little laughter to be the least of Victor’s problems. 

   “We’re going to be okay,” Yuuri says, as much for himself as it is for Victor. He remembers the way sexuality became a weight that became a bud. When Victor looks at him, Yuuri wants nothing more than to hold it in his hands. He’ll make it into something new, Yuuri has a word on his tongue and a lover in his arms--and that’s the simplified version. 

  Yuuri lets himself ebb and flow as soon as he kisses Victor, after everything he’s eaten in celebration, it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. 


End file.
